WHICH CARS THE CAVS’ PLAYERS WOULD BE
Game two of the NBA Finals is upon us, and the Cleveland Cavaliers will try to even the series after a game one defeat in Oakland. The Cavaliers romped their way to this third finals matchup against the Golden State Warriors thanks to the leadership of eight-time World’s Most Athletic Person LeBron James (that’s an official award… don’t look it up though). We’ve already determined which cars the Warriors’ players would be if they were listed here on Turo. Again, for science, we gave the car-ification treatment to the defending champion Cavaliers.
LeBron James: Mercedes-Benz G-Wagen
If the aliens came and we had to choose our best humans to compete with them in a physical contest of any kind, LeBron James would be pick number one. This guy is an absolute freak. He’s a freight train with unrivaled talent packed into every pound of his massive body. Except a freight train is not a car. If it were, it would be this Mercedes-Benz G-Wagen. The AMG G63 Wagen is already a towering behemoth of excess and power, but this LeBron G-Wagen is a Brabus-tuned rage monster. Brabus has taken the “regular” G63’s 5.5L biturbo V8 and coaxed an incredible 620 snorting ponies out of it. Scary. Just like LeBron on a mission to win a championship.
Kyrie Irving: Aston Martin V8 Vantage
Kyrie is one of the slickest, most stylish point guards in the league right now. He scores at will, making the most impossible shots seem like layups. For all his firepower, Kyrie carries himself with a certain level of class. To us, that sounds a lot like the Aston Martin V8 Vantage. The Vantage is small, sharp, and dripping with style. It has a 4.3L V8 rocking a cool 380 horsepower, and sends a clear signal of superiority without being overstated. It would be insulting to call Kyrie the Robin to LeBron’s Batman, so we’ll call him the V8 Vantage to LeBron’s Brabus G-Wagen.
Kevin Love: Honda Pilot
This 6’10 four-time all-star is a big, reliable, and capable forward. K-Love is a master at the least sexy skills in basketball: rebounding and outlet passes. He’s an excellent player, but often gets outshone by his flashier teammates. He is the Honda Pilot. Good size, not the quickest, but has a good attitude and does all the little things that help make winning happen. This Pilot has all-wheel-drive and can be had with snow tires, booster seats, and a stroller if need be. It’s got all the interior accessories and comforts you expect. Nice going, Kevin.
Tristan Thompson: Land Rover Range Rover Sport
These finals, Tristan Thompson will do his best not to succumb to the Kardashian Curse that has plagued the NBA in the past. So far, it’s working, and Thompson has been an integral part of the Cavs’ team this entire season. This dude is a super-effective presence in the paint and a real bruiser. He does the dirty work. He doesn’t really get the ball ever. But before this season, he signed a massive five-year contract with Cleveland worth many dollars. Many. He would be the Land Rover Range Rover Sport (boy that’s a mouthful). The Range Rover Sport is a luxurious and extremely capable SUV. It is powerful and an excellent off-roader, but you’re more likely to see one cruising through Calabasas with small dogs in the passenger seat (looking at you, Khloe).
JR Smith: BMW M3
JR Smith is one of the last players to skip college and head straight for the NBA draft out of high school. And he plays with the attitude to match. Smith has been an impressive scorer and a dazzling high-flyer for most of his long career. The super-athletic guard plays with extreme confidence, swagger, and flair, and therefore we’ll assign him the BMW M3. This bad boy is a finely-tuned machine of agility and aggression. It has a 425-hp inline-six on the inside and all sorts of carbon go-faster bits on the outside. It gives you that edge that makes you feel bold and invincible.