Shark cars for shark week

posted on July 26, 2017

Fresh & finny

You’re looking at your calendar, you’re checking things off your to-do list, you’re cruising along and making some plans for the weekend, but guess what you MIGHT HAVE FORGOTTEN? That’s right. It’s Shark Week, fishes. Instead of pretending Michael Phelps is racing a Great White, we thought we’d properly celebrate by presenting you with our most sharky cars — you know the ones that are sneaky, fast, sharp, out for blood, and probably genetically modified?

Kent’s BMW Z4 2011

Whether she likes it or not, this Z4 exudes classic shark vibes. She’s been accused of being basic by friends she’s certain are just jealous. She’s commanding and agile, compact and full of power, so of course she likes to wear spandex, who doesn’t? She’s swift when she wants to be, especially if there’s a squid or a seal on the line. And who cares if she’s testy at times? It’s just because she has a high metabolism and, as her friends constantly complain, she’s always a little hangry.

Millbrae, CA

Peter’s Maserati Ghibli 2014

The Ghibli, with its serious grille, certainly wants you to believe that it will bite your head off. It even growls like it wants to. But just like the nurse shark, this one is actually vegetarian, and because he’s a little lazy about sucking in plankton, that aggressive purr you hear might just as easily be the unrest of an empty belly. However, this doesn’t stop him from trying to scare swimmers with his tiny fin. “It looks big from far away,” other sharks have reported him claiming.

Jersey City, NJ

Scott’s Cadillac Fleetwood 1959

Not every car knows how to whip its tail fins like this this Cadillac. She’s a party shark, she admits it. Every weekend she’s dancing at the hottest new tropical dance club, and she’s got dates in every cove. People are always claiming that female sharks have thick skin, but she’s started reading tarot cards lately and it’s really opened her up to a new emotional and spiritual landscape. She’s even become close friends with several manta rays and jellyfish, who previously she’d just have eaten.

Golden, CO

Julio’s Chevrolet Corvette Stingray 2014

Some sharks are about business and others live for pleasure. This Stingray is the kind of shark that likes to dress up before he goes out. He will play a little Enrique Iglesias and sing along to get himself hyped, then top off his look with a dapper abalone shell. He has been known to pass up a meal that doesn’t look quite fresh or exciting enough, but when it comes to lady sharks, he’s much less picky. There’s always a rose or two stuck in his seven rows of teeth.

Kissimmee, FL

Eric’s Dodge Challenger 2017

When you can’t sleep at night and you turn on the TV to watch a soothing cooking show, you’ll find reruns of this Challenger in his younger days. He often says that cooking saved his life. Before that he was just cruising around with the bottom-feeders, getting in fights with rival gangs, all hopped up on octopus ink. Since becoming a celebrity shark chef, he knows his street cred is out the window, but he still likes to think he’s pretty dangerous with a sauté pan. Watch out — his shrimp scampi has a kick!

Gardena, CA

Jonathan’s Toyota Prius 2006

Nobody ever hears this Prius coming. He’s scared the bejeezus out of several kayakers, a family of harbor seals, and myriads of seabirds who are calmly riding the waves. But none of them are ever scared. “You gave me a shock there for a minute,” a fish he was planning to eat said as it literally swam out of his closing mouth. So he’s been stepping up his shark game, trying to get that slick tail flip down, that quick snap of the jaw. He’s not certain he’s gotten anywhere with it yet, but he did scare a couple of anemones last week, they flinched as he swam by, and he’s taking that as progress.

Boston, MA

Jeffrey’s Plymouth Cuda 1970

This Cuda has got a problem with authority. He personally ate the arms off of his denim jacket and has kidnapped several pieces of coral that he’s glued to his head for his signature mohawk. He was in a death metal band that was catching a lot of good press until their lead singer, an unexpectedly angry little crab, sold out and started singing for Disney. These days he mostly swims around looking for yachts to bump or buoys to crush, but recently he’s been considering a gig as a Scary Shark, lunging at tourists in cages — his therapist thinks it could be a positive way to work out his anger issues.

El Cajon, CA

Nathaniel’s BMW i8 2015

You don’t even have to ask, this shark is definitely doing crossfit. She’s always looking for ways to show you exactly what she can lift: rocks, boats, other sharks. Sometimes when she’s doing her morning laps she can hear washed-up mom sharks, whispering about the definition in her fins, and she thinks to herself, “yes, honey, flex your fins, work it.” Which is exactly what an i8 should do.

Miami, FL

Jarod’s Mercedes-Benz SL-Class 2009

She might be blind as a bat, but she still zooms around her favorite beaches, like nothing’s changed. “Back in the day, I was the hottest shark this side of the Pacific,” she’s told her grandsharks over and over again. Nobody really says anything to her anymore when she drags half of a broken surfboard home and invites them all to partake. They all sort of nose the board around and make half-convincing “mmmm” noises. “Who’s your grammy?” she’s been known to ask, and they have to admit it’s her. And she’s still a real class act.

Los Angeles, CA

Dan Cedric’s Tesla Model S 2013

When you get a frantic phone call from your dad as you’re on your way to Stinson Beach, it’s because he either saw a shark warning or he saw a Tesla. So we’re inclined to call this silent beast, the Great White of cars. He’s both revered and feared, but really, he’s just trying to get along with everyone. All of the other sharks make fun of him for not being a “real” shark, but “what even is a shark?” he’s been known to ask at parties, to try to elevate things to a more peaceful, philosophical level.